Authentically Lived

‘And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’ Anais Nin

 Have you ever read a quote that stopped you in your tracks? That when you read it, you felt the full meaning of it? The meaning of it spoke to your core? I know a quote is good for me because when it's spoken it loses its meaning. Does that make sense? By giving the feeling words, it lessens its quality, because it can only be felt. This Anais Nin quote was one of those for me. Isn't it true that in our life we have seasons of growth and seasons of stability? Both are so important. When things are good, we're going through life content, happy and blooming. As life would have it, disaster strikes, something happens, and the world we know is no longer. Or maybe, it's nothing significant, but you've felt a restlessness in your "soul." All of these things are reasons to take a pause. Listen to what life/the universe/God/yourself is trying to tell you. If you take the opportunity to slow down and lean into it, you might find that this is a season of growth, a chance to blossom in ways that you didn't know was possible. 

"Whever you are, be there. This moment matters." 

This quote or the idea of it has been following me around for weeks. I've heard it in the past, but at the time, it was just a "nice quote" or "words" to me. However, lately this quote has taken on it's full meaning, and because I keep hearing it, I've become sensitive to it. When it comes up, I pause and reflect on what's happening at that moment, attempting to take away a Truth (big T) from whatever is going on around me.

 A few weeks after this quote about being in the moment took a hold of me, I decided to buy a record player. I had been wanting one and finally decided to just do it. I bought some records of my favorite artists to go along with it and brought it home. Later that week, babe and I decided to break it out and listen to some music. One of us commented that on Side A of one of the records, it only had a couple of songs that we liked. Knowing that it isn't an easy task to skip to the next song on a record, I said "we'll just listen to the whole thing. Maybe we'll find our new favorite song from one that we haven't heard yet." Right then, I realized the beauty of a record player. We have every song we could ever want on our cellphones. If we don't like the next song that comes up on our music app, we just hit the "skip" button and move on to the next song. I feel like we try to do that with our lives. If we don't like this uncomfortable task or feeling that's facing us, we just hit the skip button on life. We either ignore what's happening and pretend it's not reality, run from it, or self-medicate so that we can't feel it. By doing that, what are we missing out on? What new skill or blessing is just waiting to blossom within you if you would face the uncomfortable head on and lean into it? Big T moment.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to Nashville.  Nashville is one of my favorite places. I lived there for almost 6 years and every time I go back, I feel at home.  There was a moment on Saturday afternoon, we were listening to a band at one of the bars on Broadway.  This band was good.  The singer could absolutely sing, but he also felt every single word.  He didn't just get up there and sing the song, but he made you feel the emotions behind what he was singing.  A moment of clarity hit me mid song. I bet if I heard this band on my phone, after they had taken the song to the studio to take out any of the notes that might be "just a tad too sharp," all that emotion that I was currently feeling would be gone.  You see, I love music, all music, but my absolute favorite thing to do is to listen to live music.  Give it to me in person where I can hear the mistakes.  To me, the mistakes are what make it beautiful.  The person that can't hit that note just right but sings it anyway with all the feeling in their being...that's the person I want to hear.  Because we live in a world of filters and botox and tummy tucks and autotune, the imperfect is what is beautiful to me. Authenticity is what I’m drawn to. The person that is struggling but chooses to heal and learn and grow through the struggle, is someone I look at with so much respect.  Bit T moment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Let's not rush life.  Let's slow down and live it. Let's live it for what it is, good and bad, at that moment. Let’s remember that sometimes the struggle is the catalyst for exactly what we need to blossom.  If we consciously choose to lean in to the uncomfortable, we might just end up with the biggest blessing we never imagined. 

“Life is beautiful because it’s hard.”

Jamie

Bad at Therapy

 I'm bad at therapy.

  Actually, I think I was made for therapy.  Everything about me screams "that girl would rock a therapy session."  I'm your typical "overthinker."  I take everything I see or hear or feel and I overthink the shit out of it (did I forget to tell you there would be cussing now?)...to the point that I can single handedly work myself into a downright tizzy within minutes (sorry babe!)  However, instead of being this quiet, in-her-head-mysterious chick, I want, no need, to talk about everything.  Oh yes!  Not only will I overthink every single thing, but I need you to overthink it too.  I need you to talk it out with me.  I'm a firm believer that if the whole world could just "talk things out" we would all get to a better place. Not at first. At first there would be bad ideas, arguments and maybe even some name calling.  But....if we could push through that, and learn to listen to each other, oh the places we could go.  Pair this personality type with a little trauma and you should have the star student in a therapist's office. 

I've wanted to try out the therapy thing for a long time, but for one reason or another it was always put on the back burner.  Life has been hard lately.  I know everyone's "hard" is different, but mine was starting to catch up with me.  I had gotten to the point that all I wanted to do was cry, and I didn't really truly know why. Yes, things around me were happening, hard things, feelings I didn't want to feel, but all things, if happening at separate moments, I could handle. The problem was that I felt them all piling up at once.  I simply couldn't get in the right head space to tackle it.  Every day felt like waves washing over me.  I would finally get my head above water and another one would take me out.  It was at this point that I knew there was something deeper going on. So, I sent a text and made a call and just like that, my first therapy session was booked!

As the days grew closer, I was nervous but mostly excited.  I had spiraled so hard mentally that I needed a professional "unspiraler" and I had finally found one.  Someone to help me talk this out.  I sat down for my first session, ready to roll!  "So, tell me a little about yourself?"  At this point, I'm pretty sure I opened my mouth, word vomited everywhere and then blacked out. Every single thing that has been couped up in this brain for the past 40'ish years all came out in the most unorganized and random way possible. I interrupted my own sentences to start a different one. I jumped from one topic to another and then back to the first. Bless her heart, this therapist wrote and asked questions and did her very best to keep up. 

Flashbacks to Billy Madison keep replaying in my head

    "What you just said is one of the most insanely, idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent, response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.  Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

After it was all over, I overthought my entire drive home.  Therapy hangover is a real thing y'all!  However, getting all of it out and off my chest to someone that I believe, in time, can help me organize it to the point of understanding it...understanding myself, was so much more helpful than I could ever imagine.  

This is the point where I tell you that if you're struggling, if you've got the waves washing over you, hell, if you just need someone to talk things out with, then send the text and make the call. Start it now and we can share stories on how horrible and great it is at the same time!

Quotes from the week:

"I looked for joy. I looked for peace." Rachel Hollis

"You will get there. Until then. Be Here. This Moment Matters"  Unknown

New Blog, Who Dis?

10 years, 1 decade, and about 3 lifetimes.  That's how long it's been since I've written about my life.  I started this blog back when it was the hot new thing!  There was no snapchat. There was no tik tok.  There was Facebook and blogs. Wanted to learn what was going on in someone's life? If they had a blog, you were set!  If you were looking for a new recipe? Sure! Just read this 3-page narrative of why it's important first.  I started mine because I was 4 hours from home and all the people I knew (except my then husband,) and we had just found out I was pregnant.  The easiest way for me to keep everyone updated was to write it all out once and publish it for all to read.  Looking back now, the value of it is so much deeper. I've spent the past several days rereading and reliving it all.  From where I'm at now, it feels almost like reading someone else's story, but having the memory of it in your own head.  It's the strangest, out-of-body feeling, feeling.  

My goodness was my daughter adorable!  Rereading those stories were my favorite.  10 years later, at almost 16(!), she has become the coolest, most introspective young person I've ever known.  Don't get me wrong, we've had our days!  Raising a teenager is not for the faint of heart, but it's the greatest thing I'll ever do. 

So what does this look like going forward?  I'm not sure.  As a middle-aged divorcee, single mom, who is in a committed relationship, it could go literally anywhere. Ha!  

Why am I bringing it back?  Writing has always been something I've done to help me organize my thoughts.  I used to think my personality was "Type A Scatterbrain," now I realize it's probably a little undiagnosed adhd.  Either way, if I write it down, it seems less "spirally."  Also, if I'm being transparent, I'm hoping someone will read it and say "You too!? I thought I was the only that felt like that!" and then maybe they comment and then maybe we both feel a little less crazy. 

Blogspot's Back, Alright!

                

  Time to dust off the 'ol blog.

If you didn't sing the title to the tune of the Backstreet Boys, this blog may not be for you...