Sunday, January 31, 2010

Matters of the Heart

     Since having Jesalyn, Jarrod and I were talking the other day about all the decisions we've had to make. These aren't simple decisions like "what are we going to eat for supper?"  I remember the days when that was the hardest thing I had to answer in a day.  I knew my life would change once she got here, but I guess I didn't know in what ways.  I've wrote in the past about our decisions on vaccines and about day care.  The latest decision was whether or not we were going to move back to Nashville.  Since we left TN a year and a half ago (no way it's been that long) we knew we wanted to go back.  Not that Missouri has just been horrible, a lot of good has come out of coming here. Our overall bills are cheaper, I finally got my promotion that I couldn't seem to get in Nashville, we've got to hang out with some friends, and the best thing Missouri gave us, Jesalyn.  But, it's just not where we see ourselves for much longer.
Last week I thought that ship had come in for us.  I had originally applied for a job with the same company I work for, but the position was a promotion.  I knew I was ready for it and it just seemed like the next step.  Due to things out of my control, I wasn't offered the position but instead offered a job doing what I do here except I would be TN.  Here was our chance.  The chance to move back to the place we didn't know we were going to miss so much (what's that phrase: you never know what you had until it's gone.)  I had two days to decide. Here we were again. Back and forth on the reasons to go and the reasons to stay.  We knew the reasons to go.  Are plans have always been to move back when the opportunity presented itself. I would have a job when we got there.  Jarrod's not working right now, so he could work on getting things packed.  The reasons not to go.  Money.  We would have to break our lease...which was 2 months rent plus an extra $300 just for good measure.  And then the expense of renting a u-haul, gas,  plus the extra $150-$200/month for rent that it costs to live in Tennessee compared to Missouri.  We did the math and we could do it with what we had in our savings.  Even if Jarrod didn't find a job right away, we would be okay.  There was nothing holding us back....except something didn't feel right.  It's almost annoying.  Here was our chance, but everytime we said it out loud "okay, let's just do it, let's just go" something stirred inside.  It was almost a fear, or a sick feeling.  It wasn't an audible "don't go" from God, but I believe it was His way of telling us the timing wasn't right.  I've always tried to go with that "gut feeling" as some people call it.  Any time I haven't, things just don't go as well.  The minute we decided we officially weren't going to go, a weight was lifted.  The peace came.  Like I said, it's a bit annoying, but ultimately I, I know, we did the right thing.
I'm still determined to get there some time...I'd rather Jesalyn's first word be "y'all" than "MissourA"  =)

No comments: