I'm feeling very pensive today (I also think I'm getting over a bug or something. Do the two relate? )
I woke up this morning and just laid staring at the ceiling. I have today off so I wasn't in the "crap, I overslept!" state that I normally am in. Jarrod was still sleeping and Jesalyn was in her bed stirring just slightly. She wasn't awake yet, but I knew she would be in the next 20 minutes, so I just laid there thinking. What I was thinking was "Am I happy with where I am in life?" Whoa, that's one of the big questions. That's like a question you ask when your going through "the mid-life crisis" deal. I'm here to tell you that there is a mid-mid-life crisis that most people go through. In this crisis, your not tempted to go spend your life savings on a teeny tiny sports car (mostly because you don't have a life savings yet,) or to go and get a tatoo on your lower back to prove your still young. No, this mid-mid-life crisis is after you've graduated from college/high school and have been in a job for a while and you stop to think "is this what I want to do for the rest of my life." When you think of a career you don't normally think of changing jobs several times so you want to make sure your doing what you love. Now, don't get me wrong, I like my job, I like the people there and the work isn't so bad, but am I going to spend the next 30 years there? Possibly. I could do it. There are definitely positions above me that I could work my way up to. But do I wake up every morning knowing that I am living out my passion? That I am helping people become better?? No. All I can say is that I'm paying my bills by doing something that I don't hate. Is that enough???
We are still in an apartment. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I know that houses and nice cars are just...things. What makes life joyous are the people inside those things, and the love that fills it. And I know that it takes time to be able to save for a home, but at the same time, there are days when I don't care. I want a home. I want to have a place that Jesalyn can grow up in. When she's older she can say "I grew up there" and be pointing to one place not several different places.
This mid-mid-life crisis is also a struggle with leaving the younger self aside and "growing up" if you will. When you have a child, this pretty much finalizes it. No, they don't tell you this in Lamaze class or "What to Expect When Your Expecting" but since we are keeping it real.... I don't have to, but I will preface this with saying I love my baby girl more than anything on this planet. She is my world! But, when you have a child, it's not so easy to just leave and go out for the night with friends. There is a part of me that wants to "hang with the girls" a night or two a week. It's hard to establish strong friendships with people when you're only available one night a month. Yes, I could just do it, go out, but since I don't see Jesalyn all day while I'm at work, my only time to spend time with her is at night. I would gladly miss any night out to see that sweet little smile looking up at me, or hear that amazing laugh she has, but it's hard not having any close friends near me (outside of my husband of course.) I guess I need some mommy friends, or a babysitter. That's the thing about living in a city with no relatives...no babysitters. Jarrod and I don't even get to go out together.
These are just some of the things that have been on my mind lately. I hope it made sense. And if it didn't, at least it felt good to get it out. Thanks for listening =)